Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear when will I learn not to make the same mistakes again and again and again and AGAIN,….
I always seem to fall into the same pattern, not being able to find a different path and get out of that unhealthy routine that just eats me up inside. I seem to love to complicate my life more than it already is… I´m ok and the suddenly I´m not… it´s kind of boring and unpredictable…
That kind of insecurity and instability that just takes over me and I´m not able to control. I become a slave to my own craziness and my own thoughts.
I know that everything that surrounds me is good, I live in a cool city, I have a great job, great friends, good people close to me that love me and care for me, a wonderful family and still … there is that little thing that makes me think I´m not good enough and I don´t deserve all I have. So I doubt if it really all is as good as I think and then I´m afraid someone realizes I don´t deserve all I have and it´s taken away from me…
So now the big question… How do you change that state of mind?
I mean, don´t get me wrong, is not like I live constantly in that state of mind but I have my bad days and my bad moments were that state of mind seems to dominate. And even if the moments are short and afterwards I´m ok, they are quite intense and I really can have five minutes of pure hell, were I just want to run away… Now all I want is to be able to learn to know how to react and take action when such a moment comes and be able to live with it or learn to handle it.
It´s not an easy process and I know I will have to work hard and ask for support and patience from the people that love me, but hey I´m stronger than I might seem, I have lived quite a lot and I´m not giving up….
So really all I can say is: I´m work in progress so please handle with care.
What do you do when you know you are the cause of someone else’s pain? What are you suppose to do then?
You know how to make that pain go away but you also know that if you try and help you are going to be the one that suffers, so it back fires at the end.
Does that make you a bad and selfish person? Or is it ok to put your well being before others? Who is the bad person and who is the victim? Is there even such a division or are we both bad and victim?
Complicated… like most things in life are… who is wrong? Who has the power to decide? Who can judge what you are supposed to do? Does it even make sense to try and find an answer?
Thing is, it´s a horrible feeling to know someone is going throw a hard time because of you, no matter if at some point it was the other way round and they didn´t do much to change it till it was too late. I still don´t want to be the cause of someone else’s suffering, even less when you still care but I know that I can´t do much about it without damaging my own well being.
So really, the only solution left is to let time heal everything. There is nothing time can´t make better.
It´s about time to stop saying I’m so busy I can´t find a moment to write on my blog. I was soooo good at keeping it up to date when I first started it but then I started being lazy and now it´s been ages since I last wrote and so much has happened.
I have missed it!
Last up date was for my brother’s birthday in September, it really has been too long since I last wrote.
So here I go.
In the past six months I turned from being a student and a “teenager” to officially being hired and becoming a “grown up” with a real job. No more pretending to be an adult but still have the excuse that you are young and reckless. Now I have started to realize what it means to have real responsibilities. It´s freaking SCARY at times. When did it all happen? When did my status change from student to worker?! No one asked me if I was ready!!!!!
But I love my job. It´s very fun and I have learned sooooo much and there is still sooooo much to learn, no day is the same to another, I love the variety.
I work at an event-planning agency. It´s called: The Cow Company. I love the name, it´s so random and cool. I started doing my internship with them at the end of September and as from the 1st of January I was hired as officially part of the team.
Our office is a house and the atmosphere is really relaxed and cool, everyone is young and out going. People have been really kind with me, help me out and teached me a lot. I really like the team that works at The Cow, it´s always fun to be at the office.
Other update: my brother moved to Chile in November and we moved in together to our apartment. I really like my new apartment, I had the chance to decorate it how I like, I was lucky my mum came over and helped me out a lot. She is an expert at decorating and buying furniture. Living with Michy has been great; we never had any real problems. He is very calm and would ignore my childish tantrums, I most say he has matured since we used to live on Mallorca, he still has a long way to go but he definitely isn´t a little boy anymore. I am proud of my little brother, he is a fine young man. The sad bit is that he has decided to leave Chile mid March and finish his internship in Egypt. We haven´t had the chance to spend as much time together as we would have liked with his weird working hours and my crazy working hours we don´t find a lot of time to spend together. But I´m still very happy I had the chance to have him over and he knows he is welcome back when he wants, mi casa es su casa.
My parents came over too! That was absolutely amazing!!!!! I loved having them over and showing them where I live, where I work, who my friends are, how my life has changed and how I live my daily life here in Santiago. I am proud of what I have made for my self here and the person I have become since I live here so it´s great to be able to share it with the people I love and feel they are genuinely happy for me and they approve of my life style, it´s a very filling feeling and calming too.
Obviously not everything has been perfect these six months. I had my ups and downs but over all I’m still happy living in Chile and it´s the place I want to be for a while. I feel I´m building my life here so I would say that for now I´m staying here indefinitely. No ticket back to Europe to live any time soon. So if anyone wants to see then they will just have to come over to the other side of the world to say HI, you are more than welcome :)!
Holidays are great, visiting friends and family is always wonderful but after a while I don’t seem to be able to shake off the feeling of being overwhelmed because I don’t have not a place to call mine and be able to be alone and relax for a little while.
I miss that little space that is just for me, that hour or afternoon of staying in bed and watching series, but my bed not my grandma’s or my friends.
MY apartment, MY bed, MY space but the worst bit is I DON’T EVEN HAVE AN APARTMENT TO CALL MINE AT THE MOMENT.
I don’t know it’s like I feel like I have to be at all times and during the whole day with a smile on my face and be up to everything that is offered or planed, but even if I know I’m only here for a bit and I have to make the most of it there are moments were I really don’t feel like doing anything. It makes me feel guilty but at the same time if I don’t get that Mimi time I’m moody, frustrated and tired.
I got that feeling a bit during my Christmas holidays just that it died away when I got to Egypt because there I did have my own room and my parents pretty much let me do what ever I wanted. They worked most of the day so I could plan and do what I wished when I wanted and as selfish as it might sound I need some alone time from the world. It’s kind of ridiculous I know because when I’m in Chile I complain I miss home, I miss my family, I miss my friends and I feel alone but being surrounded by people 24/7 isn’t ideal either. A balance, a bit of both is the best thing but you don’t always get that.
Now that I fly back to Chile I have to look for another apartment so in the time being I won’t have MY space either and sincerely being one month and a half with no room to call your own, living out of you luggage and having to pack every week or so is not always easy no matter how cool it is to be in a new place and visiting all the people you love.
But hey I know I’m having a bit of a low moment and that’s it, in a while I will be up and active once again ;) just needed to let off some steam….
Straight from Milano – Linate to Santa Margherita Ligure to spend a whole week at the sea side with my grandparents, uncle, Laura and my baby cosine Lara. They spent there whole summer holidays in a cute small apartment in Santa Margherita and I was lucky I managed to spend the last week with them there too.
It was a wonderful week! I got to spend some real quality time with my family, with some of the people I love the most in this world. I got to know my little baby cosine :) she is such a cute baby!!!! Always smiling and always in a good mood. I loved sharing that last week of summer holidays at the beach with them.
I had my little routine everyday (well for the short week I was there). Every morning at 7.30 I would joins my grandpa to his morning walks. The first day he took me to Portofino, the little coast town for the very VIP, the next we went to Rapallo,… once we arrived to our destination we would have breakfast: briosh, spremuta d’arancio e cappuccino :) oh so very Italian!
After the walk I would join my grandma to town to the market or to buy something for that days lunch, always involving some kind of shopping for me afterwards ;)
After lunch it was off to the beach with Laura and Franci to sunbath a little and around 5 they would pick up Lara and we could watch her happily playing in her little pool, she is a small fish, she loves the water. Man I love that little baby, she would let me carry her around, play around with her and she would never complain, so cute!
During the evening we would either have dinner at home or have dinner at some nice restaurant.
I really did enjoy my family time, there is nothing like family! Man have I missed them and has it been good being with them, filling up my energy tank, filling up my family love dose to last me a while till I can come back to see them again and I hope it won’t be as long as I predict.
Vi voglio tantissimo bene familia mia :)